Happy (???) June!!
Listen guys. I’ve been feeling absolutely plugged up emotionally and I’ve found it really difficult lately to share anything at all. There’s a genocide happening in Gaza, people are mourning their lost loved ones, and every day, we open up these glass rectangles that show us the most horrific realities we’ve ever seen before we even roll out of bed in the morning.
Often, I’ll open Instagram to post an illustration that I made in an attempt to keep my page updated semi-regularly. Before I hit the post button, a headline catches my eye. I begin to scroll. More horrors about what’s happening in the Middle East. Scroll. A series of funny, relatable Tweets. Scroll. Cute clothes on sale (but probably made using child labor). Scroll. More horrors, this time with accusations of anti-semitism if you’re mad about innocent civilians being mowed down by weapons our taxes paid for. Scroll. Disturbingly specific ads. Scroll. A photo of someone’s cat. Cute! Comments: self-righteous keyboard warriors shaming a stranger for posting about cats instead of claiming a position on what’s happening in the Middle East. Close app.
I know it’s a new idea that’s never been said before (lol), but guys, I think the internet is killing us!
Not to be dramatic about it. But I really do think there’s not much worse for our brains than seeing every extreme of the human experience laid out in front of us every day, punctuated with calls to buy something new every three scrolls. (And what soothes the soul like a little retail therapy? As marketing plans go, putting ads on the hellscape that is the average instagram user’s feed is honestly diabolical!)
As a kid who grew up Evangelical (13 years of private Christian schooling and all), there’s a deeper layer to this modern malaise I’ve been feeling—every week, teachers told us we were a “chosen generation,” that we were going to change the world for the better through evangelizing people and convincing them to be on “our side.” I know now that what they really meant was “we want you to grow up to vote for the people who will overturn Roe v. Wade,” but as a six year-old, all I understood was that 1. I had a very important job to do, 2. that job was to literally Help Jesus Save the World, and 3. if I failed at that job, people would go to Hell, and it would be My Fault. Shockingly, I grew up to have very high expectations for myself.
I don’t believe any of that anymore. But having expectations that high will for sure give you a complex. And my complex is that I absolutely hate to be wrong about something. I hate being wrong even more than I love being right (which is a lot). I haven’t wanted to write or share anything at all lately because right now it feels extremely easy to be wrong about something to someone. Information disseminates so rapidly and sometimes turns out to be false. You can put something out on the internet and be seen as completely uncaring because you happened to post it the morning after the next brutal tragedy that you simply hadn’t seen the headline for yet. The best way to not be wrong is to say nothing until you have extensive and verifiable information. And yet! Some will claim you are wrong to be silent at all! Before you’ve had time to think, to process, to even write your congresspeople demanding a ceasefire.
I’ve felt myself turning inward. I’ve felt myself returning to old habits of shrinking down, walking on eggshells, tip-toeing around an internet culture that’s loud and angry, never saying anything, fearful that sharing my art and my joy is taking up space from other people who deserve it more. Here me now as I say: fuck that.
I’m over feeling bad about taking up space in the world. I don’t care if someone thinks I’m doing it wrong. Maybe even by posting this, I am contributing to the problem of a world overwhelmed with noise. But I’m realizing I’m not responsible for how other people decide to spend their time. And I’m not gonna let that dictate whether or not I let myself participate.
I found this quote from Joan Didion this week, and it really lifted a weight off of me. I hope it does the same for you:
“ I want to tell you to live in the messy world, throw yourself into the convulsion of the world.
I’m not telling you to make the world better, because I don’t think that progress is necessarily part of the package. I’m just telling you to live in it. Not just to endure it, not just to suffer it, not just to pass through it, but to live in it. To look at it. To try to get the picture. To live recklessly. To take chances. To make your own work and take pride in it. To seize the moment.
And if you ask me why you should bother to do that, I could only tell you that the grave’s a fine and private place, but none I think do there embrace. Nor do they sing there, or write, or argue, or see the tidal bore on the Amazon, or touch their children. And that’s what there is to do and get it while you can and good luck at it.”
Now that that’s out of the way…
A few updates on my running projects:
MANGO
I’m wildly excited about this one. My latest draft of my new children’s book about Mango, the little black cat who’s afraid of everything, is inching closer to the finish—I’ve been working a bit with a writing partner I met through one of my freelance jobs, and she has been SO amazing at helping me untangle what this book is going to be. I worked up a concept spread this month, and I’m so happy with how it turned out! Take a look:
Some detail shots, early sketches, and process photos:
The last time I wrote and illustrated a children’s book, I had the entire second bedroom of an old apartment to dedicate to leaving watercolor paintings out to dry. This time, we’re in a one-bedroom unit, and I’ve got a lot less space to claim (and shut off from our cats’ wandering paws)! I still wanted some piece of the illustration process to be physical, so I made a decision this month that 90% of the book will be illustrated digitally to save on space (and also because I really do love working in Procreate); the illustrations of Mango, however, are gonna be drawn in oil pastels, cut out from the substrate, and inserted over the final digital drawing. My hope is that this will make Mango look a little chaotic, out of place, and slightly incongruous with the rest of the artwork. Which, for the record, is kind of how it feels to have anxiety!
GREETING CARDS
Lots to share here! Firstly, I made this cute little greeting card design for encouragement:
A few days ago, I learned about a really cool opportunity with Minted, a greeting card company. You’ve seen their greeting cards before at Target; they always have really nice designs and seem to be good about working directly with designers and illustrators to feature their work on Minted’s printed products. Every month, Minted has contests you can submit to for a specific prompt, and if your work is accepted, it gets printed and you receive a cash prize and royalties on sales of the card. And since I’m firmly in my Believing in Myself Era, I’ve decided to submit some work!
This month’s contest is for a Non-Photo Holiday Card. The deadline to submit is June 11, so here’s some pieces I’ve been working on. Some of these are still works-in-progress, and others have multiple color ways; all of them will need an editable text portion where someone could customize the card by adding their family name, and most will probably have a real font installed instead of my own handwriting, so consider these 80-90% complete:
Which one is your favorite?? What kinds of holiday imagery make you feel coziest? Tell me in the comments and maybe I’ll make something out of it!
SKETCHBOOK TOUR
Sketches from this month! A Billie Eilish portrait that I drew while listening to her new album, and some cute ideas for children’s book characters!
CURRENTLY OBSESSED
Keeping this one short because bOY this newsletter is getting LONG, but if you haven’t seen Challengers, it’s the FILM of the SUMMER. Go see it!
Okay that’s it!! As always, if you read this whole thing you’re my hero, and if you didn’t, I hope you liked the pictures! See you next month!!